High School Football: The Gridiron Grump insists there’s too many touchdowns
Defense Department – Rainier allows 90 points, and wins; and other curiosities for Week 5
Gridiron Grump special to Blast Zone Media / blastzonenews@gmail.com
High School Football / Grumblings
I’m going to try something new and be honest with you fine folks. Last week I crashed out early after watching the Hilanders use their own personal football gods to their advantage for a last-minute comeback victory at home over Bremerton.
I was invited to an after party at Sharri’s Diner, but apparently those kids in the cowboy jorts and straw hats were playing tricks on me. So I took the walk of shame across Kelso Drive over to Denny’s, simply looking for a hot cup of black coffee and the lingering scent of yester-decades’ lung darts – only to be turned away by locked doors once again. Apparently they’re remodeling in an attempt to fancy up the joint. How absurd.
And all of a sudden you can see how a late night owl could wind up grumpy. Because putting a spit shine on a freeway Denny’s is like putting glitter on a turd. Life was better when Sharri and Denny were engaged in a multi-generational nuclear standoff of accountability in the kitchen.
Alas, I’m here to talk about defense. Specifically, doesn’t anybody play it anymore?
You can imagine my surprise Saturday morning to wake up and read on blastzonemedia.com how the Columbians of Rainier had won their homecoming game. Notice it’s not THAT they won, it’s very much HOW they won that had me rubbing the ash out of my eyes until my pupils were bleeding.
To be honest with you (there I go again), I thought there had simply been an error in reporting, but then I remembered I wasn’t getting my news from REDACTED. Upon further “research” the proof I needed was waiting deeper on the interwebs, where a photo of the scoreboard read “HOME - 01, AWAY – 90”.
That’s right, Rainier defeated Corbett 101-90 in front of their home fans across the big bridge and up the big hill.
And while many folks read that score and had a chortle, and the home crowd certainly got its money’s worth, I was struck with a nearly fatal case of heartburn all at once. I washed that feeling away a bit with last night’s Baja Blast Mountain Dew, savoring the floating fruit flies for my morning protein, and then the sour really washed over me.
You know that feeling when you drink something cold on a hollow stomach? Ya, that one.
I mean, is the five-man officiating crew okay? Are the Rainier cheerleader’s arms floating in lactic acid after pumping out 101 push ups? And most importantly, did the defensive coordinators have to walk home and put their homes up for sale?
I kid, I kid. Mostly.
Think of it this way, Rainier’s 101 points is almost certainly the most ever scored in a single game by any team in the area. And 90 would have done the trick as well.
Naselle previously held the high score in The Blast Zone this millennium with a tally of 88 last season against Ocosta. However, Naselle did allow 98 points in a playoff game against Wilbur-Creston-Keller back in 2023.
I’ll let you guess my reaction from way back then, or you can look it up in the REDACTED files. Just kidding. Don’t do that.
And as a matter of record, that final score of that silly little contest in Rainier last week set two all-time records in Oregon.
Rainier’s 101 points is the most ever for a single team in a game, surpassing the 2002 Dayton team (91-25 vs Sheridan)
The 191 total points also set a new high combined scoring in a game, surpassing Dallas versus Crescent Valley (150) in 2022. Dallas won that game 79-71..
Rainier QB Gage Mohammad scored nine touchdowns. That ties him for second all-time with Robert Malarkey of Astoria (vs Clatskanie, 1911). Thomas Tyner of Aloha holds the record with 10 touchdowns (vs Lakeridge, 2012).
Mohammad is also second all-time for points in a game with 56 (9 TDs and a 2-pt conversion). That put him ahead of Malarkey’s 54 points (Astoria, 1911), but behind Tyner’s 60 (Aloha, 2012).
Those other records technically still exist, since they were set in 11-man football games. But just because there were only nine players on each side last Friday doesn’t diminish the simple fact that kids these days just don’t value tackling like they used to. There’s a reason why Napavine focuses on blocking and tackling 51 weeks out of the year, every year, and even those Tigers haven’t been getting the job done this season.
I mean, imagine how fellow Jayden Quevido feels after racking up more than 300 yards and five touchdowns and still being the forgotten Columbian. And that kid wears a gal’darn cowboy collar on the field, and Rainier could still barely come up with a stop.
But apparently teams outside the area are still playing tackle football. Not to name names, but there are five area teams that haven’t scored 101 points so far this season. And as for Gang Green? Rainier’s 101 points was only three fewer than the Columbians had scored combined across their four previous games, going back to last year’s season finale.
I guess all of this was inevitable once local schools started doing away with natural grass fields. How can you deploy the ol’ three-yards-and-a-pile-of-dust offense if there’s only shredded rubber bits and plastic underfoot? And nobody loves their new turf more than Kelso, who struggled to get every stop except for the big one it needed at the end when Krystian Mackin set up the quarterback for a sack and Parker Stewart stepped in to knock him down on the final play of the game.
Don’t tell anyone, but I liked that. And so did Ed Laulainen (RIP), I can promise you that.
Which reminds me, the Hilanders will have Coach Laulainen’s family on the field tonight as honorary captains before the league-opener against Evergreen. Last week the Scots lined everyone up in a three-point stance. And somebody once told me the only better tribute to Kelso’s dearly departed coach would be a master class in smash mouth defense and another victory over the Plainsmen, who haven’t won in the “Truck Stop Town” since 2008.
Alas, let’s get on with the picks.
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