Prep Football: The Grump says ‘Green Rivers for everybody!’

Talk-o-Time — Cult classic returns as a curative elixir for postseason heartburn

The Gridiron Grump / Blast Zone Media

The Gridiron Grump / For Blast Zone Media

Listen up, I don’t quite know how to tell you fine folks this. It’s hard for a man of my reputation to admit something so publicly, and quite frankly, I’m a bit ashamed. But the truth of the matter is I’m having a hard time getting grumpy these days, even if there’s plenty of shenanigans that should be upsetting my soul and causing a guttural reflex of disgust and disdain. 

I mean, sure Toledo got homered last week in a season-ending road loss to Tri-Cities Prep. And absolutely, Wahkiakum got a raw draw when it was sent on a one-way mission to play Neah Bay way out at the end of the world. But all of that has been balanced out by the serotonin sloshing around in my brain after an unexpected upgrade on the market last week.

You see, I rounded up all of my barley pop cans and tin foil Hungry Man trays and cashed them out with the local metal mongers. Then I added those earnings to the sum of my life savings and decided to take myself out for lunch at Taco Time. Well, imagine my sublime surprise when I saw that burbling cauldron of Green River back on the menu as the unnaturally colored drink of choice for washing down tater tots with a funny name. The truth of the matter is that upon taking my first sweet sip of that atomic tonic I simply … couldn't be mad anymore

And trust me, I tried to get my dander up long after the Week 11 games were over by watching film to see what went wrong for Blast Zone area teams on the road.

But I didn’t get mad when I was watching Toledo lose its game on the final play of the contest. And I didn’t get upset when Tri-Cities Prep earned an extra play as time expired by snapping the ball early and spiking it on fourth down before a Toledo lineman could retreat to the proper side of the line of scrimmage. My pulse didn’t even rise when I watched Coach Mike Christensen ask for a chain measurement, only to be dismissively rebuffed by the officials, on what looked like another fourth down stop earlier in that fateful final drive. And my blood didn’t boil when Toledo executed a perfect screen pass for about a 40 yard gain only to have it flagged for a phantom lineman down field. 

No, all of that should have been enough to cook me from the inside out, but the calmative powers of the Green River are stronger than any comparable snake oil on the market.

Which reminds me; did anyone else see how the No. 2 seed from Asotin fared last week? Well, they managed to defeat the No. 15 seed from Cle Elum-Roslyn for a whopping three points in comeback fashion. You read that right. Now let me further illuminate that oddity with some additional context. Back in Week 2 the Adna Pirates defeated Cle Elum-Roslyn 42-0. The week prior to that the Pirates, who wound up with the No. 11 seed, fell to Toledo by a score of 35-7.

Making matters even more confounding is the fact that Adna will now have to play No. 3 seeded Napavine in the quarterfinals despite being division rivals. And that’s the exact sort of matchup that seeding committee members have raised a whole lot of squawk about avoiding in the past.

If you squint at the bracket long enough one might be able to see the marks from where Asotin was propped up by the seeding committee in order to backfill the bracket. I’m not saying there’s any tomfoolery at play, but you know there is.

Speaking of strange bracket selection outcomes, nobody wound up with a worse matchup in Week 1 of the 1B state football tournament than Wahkiakum. Way back in Week 1 the Mules’ were brave enough to play Neah Bay on short notice. It was Wahkiakum’s first foray into 8-man football and it didn’t go too well. But after two more losses (one to undefeated Naselle and one to the 2B playoff participants from Ilwaco), the Mules rattled off eight wins in a row and were excited to test their mettle against some unfamiliar foes from the wide world of 1B football. 

And what were the Mules rewarded with for putting together such an impressive run down long home stretch? Another road date against those darn Red Devils, that what.

Neah Bay is perpetually a problem in the 8-man game, and this is not to take anything away from that team after another drubbing of the Mules in the playoffs. It just seems that a more intriguing first round matchup would have included two teams without such recent receipts on the other.

In fact, in an age where dominant teams often have a hard time finding (and keeping) opponents week to week, I’ve got a proposal that would make things more interesting all the way around. How about rewarding teams for stepping up in the regular season by guaranteeing that no teams will face repeat opponents in the opening round of the tournament? That would simultaneously provide a carrot for teams to schedule tougher (and not forefeit) in the regular season, while also avoiding rerun matchups too early in the bracket.

It makes sense to me, but that might be the Green River talking.

So without further delay, let’s get on with this show and see what’s on the quarterfinal docket this week for the two teams left standing in the Blast Zone.